open letter to lindsay lohan

Okay, listen up, baby girl.

I've done my fair share of teasing you. I'll admit it. But I've softened up of late. We all have. The fact is that your parents are horrible, selfish assholes and it's fucked you up but good. Probably just about everyone you know is on your payroll or wants something from you. That's an ugly way to live and it never turns out well. The thing is, kid, you're young. I mean, twenty-one is young, but you're young young, having been in the public eye for most of your life and having never had any chance to just be a normal kid and shit.

So here's what I'd like to offer. When you get out of rehab, which hopefully won't be anytime soon, come move in with me for a while. You and my kid would get along great. She likes dancing and flashing her vagina and driving all crazy just like you do. Granted, she's only driving a tricycle, but you get my point. You'll eat well, you won't have any responsibilities, aside from household chores, and my town's got lots of pretty girls to ogle, which I hear you're into lately. Most importantly, I'll keep your parents far the fuck away from you.

Seriously, honey. I made a similar offer to Britney recently, she didn't take me up on it, and look at where she is now. You could do so much better, baby. Hell, you don't have any kids yet. You're off to a great start! The truth is, I fucking loved you in Mean Girls, and you mostly just bored me in A Prairie Home Companion. You could have a real career if you got your shit straight. Take a break, huh?

Think about it, Lindsay. My house is small, but my bosom is ample.

Love,
Tits