1) Andy Dick totally got punched out by Jon Lovitz. Awesome.
2) You know what else is awesome? Political theater. If I weren't quite so sleepy or if I had some weed, I'd stay up all night liveblogging that shit.
3) Not awesome: Redbook, X-Files sequel, disposable underpants. Seriously, what is wrong with you people?! Let your girl breathe, fer chrissakes! (Thank you, Sysm, for knowing what gets under my skin.)
4) Bored? Try this, this, or this. (Thank you, Nick, for knowing I, um, like sex.)
5) Okay. Are we seriously still having this discussion? Come. The fuck. On. They're just tits. Get over it, you fucking pervert retards.
7/18/07
hump day grabsack
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FROM THE TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION DEPARTMENT & FUCKED-UP (BUT GOOD) SHIT DEPARTMENT:
You may be the only one I know on the blogosphere with the Tits to appreciate just what a weird situation I just went through.
A couple of guys I play with in the large stakes Omaha game owed me some money and told me to come to the Royal Casino to collect, because they were playing with these weird Colombians from Barnaquilla with leather satchels full of money who couldn't play at all.
I had about $8000 on me and one of my friends owed me $500, the other $1300, so despite being a little short-stacked -- this was No Limit Omaha with $25 antes and $200 blinds -- I decided to sit and play a while because I had played against these Colombian guys once before and knew they were horrible. Sometime within the first hour I beat the guy to my right in a smallish pot (around $1200) and he derisive asked me in Spanish if "I needed a bodyguard." (I'm only 5' 7" and normally proportioned and generally have a middle-class air about me and truthfully can't dent a pillow with my punch and have no experience whatsoever with firearms). I replied that I had two bodyguards already plus two lawyers, one of whom was Judge Arosemena, the former Attorney General of the Republic of Panama.
For the rest of the night the guy kept ragging me, calling me and the guys I play with "maricas (faggots)" and shit like that. Every time he'd say something nasty in Spanish, I'd respond in New York English: "WHAT YOU NEED, BOSS?" even though I'm fluent in Spanish. And we stared each other down. He beat me out of a $4000 hand and started declaiming himself as the world's champion Omaaha player.
After three hourse, I caught A-A-J-x. He made it $500 to go, I flat-called. The flop gave me a J which didn't help but two cards to an A-high flush. He checked, I made it $1300 to go, he pushed $20,000 in...I read it for a bluff because if he had something great he'd try to squeeze all the value out and maybe raise me $4000 or $5000, but $20,000? So, I as had a decent hand with my A-A, my flush draw and the J-J re-draw. I said "aw fuck it" and called the $20,000 bet. My Aces held up and I took all his money.
He was madder than a wet-hen and stormed out of there. And then returned stomping around. I did not waste a second. As I had not been lying about the bodyguards, I called Carlos and Loco and said come and pick me up.
They got there in 10 minutes. I got in the car and they told me that they sensed some hurry in my tone so they made sure to bring their pistols just in case.
I am safe and sound at home!
A rather freaky experience. Believe me, a lot of the tough-guy music stuff is just posing. When you're in that situation you really have to know when discretion is the better part of valor and being a tough guy when you're not (I'm not) is very, very stupid. Glad I kept my wits about me.
I gave Carlos and Loco a HUGE tip.
The game may spread again tomorrow and I'd like to play but if I do I'll just have my guys wait for my in a car in shifts.
I'm not exactly Henry Rollins, so help is ALWAYS appreciated in these spots. It was a punk rock situation all right.
I need a drink and a valium bad!
that jon lovitz thing is the best thing ever.
Wow! I just put 2 and 2 together and came up with 4. Had I been Jon Lovitz, I could have handled all of the 10 of the costenos (Baranquilleros) together with just my fists.
And Lovitz is older than me and fatter and shorter.
What could I have been thinking?
I need to send Jon Lovitz a great big fruit basket. Also, I think we should send him pictures of our tits in appreciation.
Well, maybe just yours.
"I wanted to punch his face in, but I don't hit women."
Also, re: breastfeeding
I completely agree with the woman who finds it immoral. After all, if God wanted women to nurse their children, he would've given them breasts, milk ducts, nipples and a system through which to feed their children with their breasts.
Instead, I'm sure He giggles and says, "Boobies are naughty."
Jon Lovitz is a sweetie, he shoulda ripped the guy's nuts off too.
Not a lot of people can say they got their ass kicked by Master Thespian.
As I said when I sent you the link, Faith Hill is unbearably fat, old and ugly. How could they put a hideous cow like her on the cover of a magazine. The woman has had children for Christ's sake.
Thank God they protected us.
I Heart you, Redbook.
Nuts - I can't possibly relate to that.
Jiggs - Seriously.
Brooke - I'll show him mine if you show me yours.
Übie - You win. I love you.
Hypersonic - Awesome.
Todd - I know, right?
Sysm - I heart you, Sysm.
Guess it's weird...life takes a person to some strange corners sometimes and if there's a lesson in it anywhere it's the good old 6p's of Sam Peckinpaugh's THE SEVEN-UPS "proper planning prevents piss-poor performance."
I never thought I'd REALLY have to leave the States either, despite being told in stark terms by my attorney in NYC long before this became a national news story "hey something really weird is going on in the Justice Department...I'm not sure exactly what it is but it's either Kafkaesque or Augustinian...they are prosecuting crimes that aren't crimes and failing to prosecute crimes that ARE crimes...and all of a sudder there are these weird prosecutors from bible colleges I've never heard of. And it's especially gotten weird in gambling and stuff that used to be really trivial."
This is the second time I've LIVED history I suppose, the first being in Moscow right after the fall of communism. Good stories for the grandkids if not the blogosphere. But I was prepared to handle all this by virtue of mathematical and language skills and some degree of maturity.
Contrast that with the tragic stories EVERYONE has of friend, neighbors and for god's sakes RELATIVES of these poor young souls who joined the military -- completely UNPREPARED FOR WHAT LAY AHEAD -- to get money toward college and medical benefits and have been slaughtered in these barbaric wars. The Navy SAVED my Dad's life effectively and prepared him to move from poverty to a fulfilling life of plenty. And look what's happenened to today's servicepeople. THAT'S something I can't relate to.
I went to Omaha once.
Nuts - Wow. Okay, then.
Nick - I have not. I used to watch "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom" when I was a kid, though.
I appreciate your "wow" a lot. I never meant to take your to too dark a place to handle. Passing along some perverse street wisdom is all. Make of it what you will.
Nick: the game of Omaha has many fascinating elements probably more so than the city from which it derives its name does. I also think that while Baranquilleros are very cross, cold-hearted and violent people, none have a patch on Dick Cheney or Pat Robertson. So, if that's the worst I'm going to have to deal with here, it's not a bad tradeoff.
I see my friend Kelso has found joy in Tits as well!
Ok see I have hated Andy Dick for so damn long but the worst was that roast on comedy central, I think it was William Shatner? They called him Courtney Love because he was an even worse "look at me everybody" attention whore than she was at the roast which didnt seem possible.
Im not a violent gal, but every now and then there's an ass that needs some cold slappin.
What a DICK! Jon Lovitz is now my hero. To do that to Hartman's memory ... sadly, we'll not have Troy McClure in the upcoming Simpsons Movie! Is he to blame? Not funny anymore.
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